Yes, This is Real…A New Column?

For sometime now/Since birth… I have been making observations about the world around me. Some days, I see something particularly heinous and say to myself “Yes, this is real” in an effort to somehow process the absurdity of what is before me. This happens to me at least several times a week and I have decided that the only way to explain this sensation is to share my “Yes, this is real” findings with you in a column of sorts. Alas, we have our first feature, Chicken Spread.

Mmmm...gag, gag, gag.
Mmmm…gag, gag, gag.

First, let me say that there is a dancing devil man on this package. That doesn’t bode well. Also, the general notion of spreading chicken doesn’t sit well with me. Spreads should come in non-animal forms like mayonnaise or mustard or EVEN Vegemite, but NOT chicken. Underwood, the manufacturer of this delight also makes ham, roast beef and liverwurst versions of the same. Rewind. Did you notice that I said “manufacturer?”

Ok so maybe a lot of the items on our grocery store shelves are manufactured these days, but I much prefer “grown” and “raised” in sentences about my food. Lastly, the whole can is wrapped in a paper wrapping, like a small present. Only, how could this be a present? It is dog food put in human packaging. Even though it’s been 48 hours since I came into contact with Chicken Spread, I’m still laying here on the futon saying “Yes, this is real.”

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