Pasta for Lazy People

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Ok, so here’s an update for you spaghetti-challenged Americans that are ruining the gene pool. This is how you make spaghetti.

1. You open the box.

2. You stick it into a pot of boiling water.

3. Yes, it may protrude more than slightly from the top of the pot.

4. But, it will eventually sink down and boil into delicious goodness within about 10 minutes.

If you need to buy this spaghetti that “changes things forever,” well, I can’t help you.

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That Time When I Decided to Make Turkey Soup

When I was younger, my Gami took all the innards of the turkey and produced a magical, wonderful turkey soup that we would have for days afterwards. This year, I thought I could put all the giblets in a pot and do the same thing.

Making Turkey Soup

 

I googled “Easy Turkey Soup”. I looked at the bowl of innards, googled some more, looked at the bowl of innards and threw them in the trash. Couldn’t handle it. My broth will be coming in a box for the time being.

Black Friday: An Investigative Report

“Take that money watch it burn, sink in the river the lessons I’ve learned.”

– One Republic Counting Stars

Today is Thanksgiving. And, chained to our retail jobs, the BF and I stayed in town. When he took off at 2:30 for work I began to wander around the house looking for entertainment. I ate a piece of pie first and then I ate a sandwich. I watched Jimmy Fallon and then half of Kimmel. Fallon is the funnier of the James’. Then, I began to get restless.

The BF is on the management team at the local Wally World so I decided it was high-time I experienced the madness. So, I channeled my pie-eating loneliness into something better, an investigative report (sounds fancy, right?).

I fed the dogs and headed out around 5:42 P.M. Gretta the Jetta and I found safe haven in the Home Depot parking lot, about two football fields away from the manse that is the local Walmart (Observation: No one says Super Walmart anymore because they are all “Super,” a.k.a. with groceries).

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Walmart in the distance.

Our first observation: CAMPERS. Yes, shoppers have moved on from the tent to the heated and semi-plumbed contraptions. I counted 5 (in view).

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One of the campers and some crafty soccer moms that saddled up beside it in their van to get a closer parking spot.

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Observation #2: Cops

Well, dear citizens, if you need a cop tonight you are out of luck.

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Eight here. More elsewhere.

Tired of seeing the parking lot? Me too. I headed inside and was given a map detailing where all the sales would be in the store. The most hilarious had to be the produce section turned toy store. At second five the clock strikes 6 to begin the first sale. Listen for the “Oh, boy!” Dying. 

The toy area was to be avoided as were the areas clogged from lines for the big ticket items like flat screens and video game consoles. I decided to do a loop to see if there were any smaller items worth waiting in the checkout line for (nope) and see what other people watching I could do.

Here are the crazy craft ladies… Turns out they were after bath towels and 700-thread count sheets.

IMG_1506Most items were a free for all, as you can see above. Giant pallets had been rolled out earlier and unceremoniously ripped open by the first customer that could squeeze past an employee at 6. Being a 24 hour Walmart, there was no line up or infamous rushing in of hot bodies.

Next it was time to check out the lines. Certain high demand items required a lime green wrist band, obtained from a Walmart-er wearing a yellow vest (god, bless them). The 32″ TV was a huge hit and people were getting very territorial and accusing each other of cutting like it was the first grade. Below we see John Doe getting his wristband taken in exchange for his TV. The smug man in black in the cop in charge of this line. The guy in orange is the Walmart employee who decided to go casual for the evening.

John Doe getting de-wristbanded and given a TV.
John Doe getting de-wristbanded and given a TV.

Then we have the view from the other side. Those specks are the people above and those are the TV’s waiting for their homes…

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The best part of the extravaganza had to be the prayer circles formed around items not going on sale until 8. There were employees there to make sure they weren’t taken. But, I definitely saw a few contraband items in carts.

This particular prayer circle was for the 50 dollar tablet.
This particular prayer circle was for the 50 dollar tablet.

“Make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver, and the other you meet at Walmart on Black Friday Thanksgiving.”

I’m not sure if the guy in the bottom right was laughing at me but I definitely got a few laughs as I was taking this picture, especially from people hugging TVs and tablets. Maybe they realized how silly they are? Maybe they hugged their tablet a little tighter?

Impulse Purchase #1: A Juicer

So this isn’t the first impulse purchase I’ve ever made, but it will be the first one I share with you on the blog. Does anybody out there juice? I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead the other week on Hulu and almost went vegan, but then didn’t because there were Oreos. Except, Oreos are vegan. Below is my very mechanically correct drawing of my juicer, the Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juice Extractor. *insert evil laugh of impending healthiness*

Juicer

It’s one in the morning, what are you doing?

I’ve got to hand it to the designer who came up with candy blocks. When something is delicious and useful it’s a win-win for sure. Here is my new home being built in the shadows of the Diet Coke Forest and the Tower of Solarcaine.

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The bed is lookin’ pretty comfy at this time of night…

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But sometimes an evil giant comes and gnaws away at my progress…

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Yes, This is Real: Would You Like a Coke?

Would you like a Coke?

Can I really have a regular Coke?

Yes. But you might spring for something with a few more bells and whistles.

How about a Lipton Diet Sparking Green Tea with Strawberry Kiwi? Yes, this is real.

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If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s over-modified products. Call me a purist, but there is just something chemical about that. I can’t even imagine what it would taste like.

Another over-modified product that drives me crazy is Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper.

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Now, in Lipton’s product there were six modifiers: Diet, Sparking, Green, Tea, Strawberry and Kiwi. You may look at Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and think, “Oh, there are only four modifiers.” Wrong. You must account for Dr. Pepper’s 23 flavors, thus a total of 27.

I think I’ll stick to water for now.